Category Archives: Freely Flowing Thoughts

A childhood riddled with abuse that streamed into, to a lesser degree, my adulthood has made me rather robotic emotionally. My physical health is basically a poorly built machine comprised of shoddy parts and whenever one part fails it causes another part to overwork until it fails and dominos. But by the time the repairmanContinue reading “Robotic”

I had the fantasy all of my youth that I would come across and be accepted into a loving and caring family. That’s literally all I ever wanted – to live with good people who loved each other. In my fantasies sometimes they were foreign aid workers I met on the job, sometimes they wereContinue reading “Chasing a Dream”

Sometimes I feel like I have a defective body and a defective personality. I’m just a defective human.

I started a new therapist about a year and a half ago. Instantly I liked her. She listened, she spoke – it felt like a real partnership in my health and wellbeing. I spend an hour with her every week in difficult and trying topics. It was great having an interactive therapist who truly wantedContinue reading “A Therapist’s Betrayal”

The American Dream. Only a few years ago my husband and I were at it. We built a beautiful dream home on land we liked, no kids but a house full of loved pets, and good jobs helping others.But the American Dream has no room for the sick or their caregivers.After all, sickness is forContinue reading “The American Dream… For What Americans?”

We’ve discovered that if I don’t have to concentrate on propelling myself then I have just enough energy to participate in my surroundings. That means whenever we go to public spaces, whether a shopping trip or fun activity, we get me a wheelchair. I confess I’ve cried a little each time. I’m not ready toContinue reading “Wheels Out”

Endocrine, gastrointestinal, cardiovascular, neurological, and so much besides. I’ve gotten to a point where I have so many problems that I can’t even pinpoint why something is misfiring anymore. I can’t control my physical capabilities. I can’t control my emotional reactions. I can mostly control my verbal responses but not the tone I use toContinue reading “Control”

It was my fourth time sitting in the waiting room of that cardiologist. First to meet him, twice for tests, and now for a follow-up. As before, I was calm and collected and I was friendly with everyone I encountered. When taken to the exam room nothing in my demeanor changed. The nurse took myContinue reading “Those Who Adapt, Survive”

health update None of my oral meds are working anymore (bloodwork on ~60 pills/day and bloodwork on 0 pills are practically the same) because they’re not being absorbed and then circulated. I was diagnosed with chronic severe malabsorption several years ago and we’ve tried, fruitlessly, to battle it on different fronts. I also have significantContinue reading “Bypassing the Gut”

I don’t have much energy anymore. Ever. And it seems like what energy I do have gets burnt up in the process of medical appointments. Scheduling them, traveling to and from them, in waiting between the various scrub wearing individuals as they each get their portion of my information, and oh the energy it takesContinue reading “Another Day, Another Doctor”