Category Archives: Freely Flowing Thoughts

I’ve hoped for so long to discover that diagnosis that explains it all. For so long that I had given up on ever finding one. I stopped the pleading doctors’ visits, the experimental treatments, the layman’s medical research; I accepted that I was sick and modern medicine couldn’t yet name my culprit. The closest explanationContinue reading “Prolonged Dorsal Vagal Shutdown”

I want to talk about my relationship with others. I’m in a bad head space and want to talk it out to understand and move past what I’m feeling, but because of that bad head space I can’t get my thoughts together.  I have no friends. I have a spouse and his oldest friend asContinue reading “Friendships and me.”

Thanksgiving. The day when everyone stops what they’re doing in order to be with and love on the people who matter to them. Of course I spent it alone. I don’t get to choose how I spend holidays, but at least now I get to choose how I don’t spend it. As in I don’tContinue reading “Thanksgiving.”

I’d like to talk to someone about everything that I’ve been mulling since my neuropsych results. It’s overwhelming. And isolating. I had thought that D and A would want to sit down and talk, but that didn’t happen and I feel selfish initiating it myself. Then I thought it would all be discussed in myContinue reading “Talking to myself”

Schizoaffective Disorder Bipolar Type. Severe OCD. ARFID and then some. MDD. Severe Anxiety. CPTSD. No friends. No real family.  It’s so hopeless. There’s no fixing my brain. And there’s no path to gaining people in my life. I have a husband who loves me, and that should be enough. But it’s not. I can’t getContinue reading “New words – same tune”

At some point in my early adulthood, I decided that not only was it okay for me to have a voice but also that it was right for me to speak and take up space. Before then I was expected to either be bright and bubbly talking about nothing, or silent. Preferably I was silentContinue reading “Space”

It feels like there are multiple versions of me. Like a personality gets downloaded in my body, one at a time. Usually one at a time. Like there’s a few different USB drives each with a “me” on it,  and periodically one of them is inserted to replace another version. And I know each personalityContinue reading “Uploads”

There are two trajectories that all my doctors seem to choose between. One is to automatically dismiss me due to whatever particular pre-held notions they have fit me into. The other is for me to ignite ambition in them. The good ones take in my complicated set of issues and history, along with the accompanyingContinue reading “Another doc down”

From early childhood up through adolescence, I knew that I was forbidden from talking about the majority of my life and required to be bubbly. As an actress I succeeded at it magnificently. Then when I went off to college I got myself in legitimate therapy and found a psychiatrist, and I began striving towardContinue reading “Stage makeup”

I don’t partake on “vices.” No judgement to those who do, I just know my own weakness. Many of my relatives have destroyed their own lives and lives around them by taking those outlets to the extreme. I’ve always been aware of the addiction in my genes as well as the mental illnesses I’ve inherited,Continue reading “Control”