A Pawn

I’ve spent my life being a pawn in various peoples worlds. I’ve yet to live my own life on my own terms. I’ve tried so very hard to carve out my own life where I can be myself and pursue my interests and maybe even be accepted as I am. But I’ve failed at that. Is there no path for me to be me?

My husband has a deep seated need to be wanted and needed. For the longest time I thought, and then I wanted to think despite the signs indicating otherwise, that he loved me at my core. But the fact is that I accepted him as he was and we worked together well, so I served his purpose of being wanted and needed. He’s incredibly good to me, but out of fear of losing me and being alone. In fact he didn’t start listening to my pleas of desperation until I finally suggested divorce a year ago. And we continue to struggle until I get to my breaking point, threaten divorce, and he promises to do all the things he’s promised before. But what he’s not willing to do is ruffle anyone’s feathers and risk their disapproval even if it’s in my best interest. If our relationship really were based on a mutual love and respect that wouldn’t consistently be the case.

My friends – what few I have – don’t reach out to me or spend time with me. If I want to stay in contact with people then I have to contact them.

I matter to no one. No one.

My husband is the oldest relationship in my life with the exception of one nephew I very occasionally text with. But my husband isn’t in my life for me or even us. He’s here because he doesn’t want to be alone. He’s here because he wants to be wanted.

But I also want to be wanted. Just once. I’m not asking for the world; just for one person.

I’m over being a pawn in his game of life. I’ve left countless people because they were abusive to me in their game of life as they shuffled me around and sacrificed me while trying to win. I simply can’t keep going like this and I won’t.

I would far rather be miserable alone than miserable with someone who doesn’t care.