thebadgerspath

A Test to Fail

There’s a particular memory that has been playing in loop in my head the last two days. It’s no more or less astounding than any of the other normal days in that household, but it’s being persistent so I’ll share. I would have been four or five years old, just learning my letters and howContinue reading “A Test to Fail”

Who you are

I know who I am. And I know who I want to be. And the two are as opposed to each other as my mania and depression because I can escape my bipolar nowhere. I guess I thought that if I spent long enough pretending I actually am who I want to be then eventuallyContinue reading “Who you are”

Good days

I’ve had six good days in a row. To have one good day was mostly unheard of the past two plus years, so to have so many together is astounding. Today I even feel normal. And at the risk of being too optimistic, I want to make sure I’m focused and ready if this reallyContinue reading “Good days”

Evolving

My sickness is now evolving to where I need a companion almost 24/7 to keep me from having bipolar meltdowns. It’s not a matter of distraction because I can do that okay, but my husband’s presence calms me in a way nothing else can. And it seems like I’m always on the brink of aContinue reading “Evolving”

Household

My dad was gone a lot. He did that. He’d leave us for days, weeks, even months at a time. Isolated in the middle of nowhere, the house itself was a filthy hoarder’s den of my stay at home mother’s making and my bipolar father couldn’t cope with the house or his wife and childrenContinue reading “Household”

Beginning

I don’t even know where to begin. Linearly always seems like the clearest way to tell a story, but it was all so complex and interrelated as it happened that there’s always more and more explaining to do. Afterall, you don’t get Complex Post Traumatic Stress Disorder from an easily relatable story. Both my homeContinue reading “Beginning”

Birthdays

Historically I’ve avoided acknowledging my birthday. I’ve had no problem with the concept of aging, but the day always proved itself too ripe for hurting me and naturally I learned to avoid it. Growing up my birthday was generally forgotten, or at best marked a month late to make up for it being missed. WhichContinue reading “Birthdays”

Out

I can think of nothing else to help myself. I’ve tried everything and I’ve reached out to all possible resources, but I’m never better. I’ll never be better. If I could commit suicide without fear of, per usual, it only making things worse by failing, I would. I would give anything to die because there’sContinue reading “Out”

A Lifetime

In my first 20+ years I jammed in more than most people do in a lifetime. My nature screams for peace. And for 15+ years I’ve been zeroing in on the peace and quiet and solitude that I desperately need just to survive, let alone thrive. But my body just adjusts along with my setting,Continue reading “A Lifetime”

A Letter of Gratitude

I feel I need to pen a letter of gratitude. I tend to only post when my emotions are getting the better of me and organizing my thoughts into words that I give forth to the void help me process it all. I’ve been exceptionally emotional the past three weeks over nothing in particular, andContinue reading “A Letter of Gratitude”