I’d like to talk to someone about everything that I’ve been mulling since my neuropsych results. It’s overwhelming. And isolating. I had thought that D and A would want to sit down and talk, but that didn’t happen and I feel selfish initiating it myself. Then I thought it would all be discussed in my new psychiatrist appointment but that was a worthless visit. And no one else has reached out. So I’ll talk to myself.
I didn’t see the OCD diagnosis coming until I took the test and confronted my answers. Then I especially didn’t expect to come away with it being clinically severe. The more I learn about OCD, specifically Pure O, the more I learn that most all of my thoughts are a symptom of this illness and not my own. What thoughts remain still aren’t mine. With severe anxiety, major depressive disorder, trauma responses of cPTSD, and the mindfuck of schizoaffective disorder bipolar type on top of those obsessive thoughts, I don’t know if any thought is my own as opposed to a symptom of my crazy brain.
The very idea of working through the thoughts that aren’t supposed to be there is overwhelming. I mean, what thoughts ARE supposed to be in there? How do I untangle the symptoms of one illness from another from another? Where do we even begin? And, finally, where do we end? As in, what thoughts SHOULD be in my brain if the way I’ve been thinking my entire life needs replaced?
Honestly, if we could just get the rage that underlines my every moment and comes rearing up with destructive words without my consent, I would consider addressing my illnesses as succeeded. I don’t pretend that suddenly, after years of trying everything available to date, a treatment plan will do anything more than exhaust me and leave me hopeless – as always.
thebadgerspath.com 