Schizoaffective Disorder Bipolar Type. Severe OCD. ARFID and then some. MDD. Severe Anxiety. CPTSD. No friends. No real family.
It’s so hopeless. There’s no fixing my brain. And there’s no path to gaining people in my life. I have a husband who loves me, and that should be enough. But it’s not. I can’t get friends through coworkers because I’m too sick to work. I can’t get friends through activities because my body can’t do anything but sit. I can’t keep friends through persistently being present and kind and happy and helpful because the W’s still don’t want me despite 2.5 years of that. I can’t keep friends through selflessly talking to them about themselves and checking in on them because they still don’t want me despite always being present and never making it about myself. Even my husband makes the terms of our relationship. And when I voice what I want or need he takes it as a suggestion that weighs less than his wants. When I do get what I want it’s because I made it happen for myself by myself. I’m so lonely.
I haven’t written here in a while. Then again, I haven’t been able to get a clear thought in my head long enough to form a paragraph in quite some time. My mental illnesses have been updated since then. But there’s not any more hope that these updated problems will be solvable than there was before. I’ve tried another drug but it has failed me. I’ve tried another doctor who has also failed me. And I’ll keep trying more and more.
thebadgerspath.com 