Control

I don’t partake on “vices.” No judgement to those who do, I just know my own weakness. Many of my relatives have destroyed their own lives and lives around them by taking those outlets to the extreme. I’ve always been aware of the addiction in my genes as well as the mental illnesses I’ve inherited, neither of which are easily controlled. And for that reason I completely avoid anything that could get out of control. I don’t drink or do street drugs. I don’t shop for pleasure. I rarely even touch anyone other than my husband. I do no risk taking. One outlet my relatives never took was open discussion. In my efforts to have a healthy life, I have opened myself up and I encourage communication among my loved ones all while avoiding known pitfalls. 

I guess that wasn’t exactly the right avenue. When I’m in crisis and desperate for an outlet, I don’t have vices to fall back on for temporary relief and long-term damage. I do, however, have the habit of talking. Especially with my husband. And so when I’ve lost control of myself, I don’t often hold my mouth shut. I have a mean tone and am too brutally honest. I expose hopes that I know better than to have. I hurt people. 

I just don’t know how I’m supposed to handle Treatment Resistant Rapid Cycling Bipolar Disorder with Psychosis. It’s too much. Is there a healthy outlet for such an unhealthy issue? How do I stop hurting others…or myself?