Needs

The federal government has declared me disabled. So the set up here is the fact that I quite literally cannot take care of my day to day needs anymore. The result is that I must be grateful for absolutely everything I have because I’m not participating in providing it. 

The most I deserve and should expect is to be placed in a group home equal or less than my monthly disability check. Because I’m acutely aware of that I’m overwhelmingly grateful for everything I have beyond that. I have a loving husband who provides me with a house and food and pets and he does all the lifting around here. I have it so fucking good. 

But if I’m being honest, I’m disappointed. He loves me but within the parameters of how he expects to love, not necessarily how I need to be loved. The house irritates me every day because his ego insists that he do it himself rather than just pay someone to finish it; I don’t need it to be my perfect design I need it to be comfortable. I have serious issues with food so honestly what I need is to be left alone to drink what I can, which he is only now starting to let me do. Pets are always good. I know I have no strength or energy so I do appreciate the lifting and carrying. 

It honestly breaks my heart that I feel needs beyond that. But I do. I wish he would actually take my personal needs into account instead of misplacing his assumptions on me. No one before him tried to get to know me, they only knew what they could get from me. He’s always been genuinely interested in me but he just cannot remove himself from his worldview in order to understand mine. I articulate needs. I describe experiences. I meticulously explain my thoughts. I’ve directed him to resources that have pertinent information and I’ve placed knowledgeable books in his hands. But any time getting to know me goes from interesting to challenging is time for him to focus on something more pleasant to him. I’ve done the work to know him. And I continually strive to meet his needs exactly where he’s at. I’m grateful I’m not in some cheap group home somewhere, but I wish my life were more than just getting through. 

You might ask where my support system outside my husband is. Thats a reasonable question. The simple answer is that I don’t have one. Which makes me that much more grateful to my husband which makes me repress my needs to meet his because if I don’t then I’m selfish. Fuck. Anyway, I thought I had finally found my people but I haven’t. There aren’t people for me. But these specific people I’ve been open and generous with for years. I’ve payed attention to each of them, promptly acknowledged any messages and reached out whenever it seemed helpful or wanted. And I’ve always done my best to respect their boundaries. More than all that, I’ve always treated everyone the way that individual wants to be treated rather than blindly fitting them into how I want things. The fact is that while I strive for human connection and to treat everyone as an individual, I’m not an individual with needs to any of them. When any of them interact with me they’re kind and generally inclusive for which I’m always abundantly grateful. Then again, that’s really the bare minimum to want from your friends.  Most of my friends I haven’t interacted with in months. They simply forget me if I don’t seek them out. The family unit that includes me is bonded with my husband and I think really see me as an attachment to him. I’ve tried to be an individual for 2.5 years and I’ve tried sharing myself in hopes that if they got to know me they’d want me too, but it’s time to face the truth and stop exhausting myself with unreciprocated efforts.