Control

Endocrine, gastrointestinal, cardiovascular, neurological, and so much besides. I’ve gotten to a point where I have so many problems that I can’t even pinpoint why something is misfiring anymore.

I can’t control my physical capabilities. I can’t control my emotional reactions. I can mostly control my verbal responses but not the tone I use to transmit them. I am out of control. And I’m only spiraling further and further out of my own control. And out of anyone else’s.

No one can help me anymore. A couple doctors can step in on a few things and try, but considering the fact that nothing is really working, how much are they really helping? No one can help me anymore and despite every fiber of my being and all my will power combined, I can’t help me.

I’m not an advocate of running away. Yes, there are people and situations in life we have to remove ourselves from in order to best thrive, but running away doesn’t nurture growth and health. That being said, I honestly think solitude is the only option I have left. Removing myself from meaningful interactions with others or even repeat interactions and living a nomadic life of solitude until my body shuts itself down might be the only real course left to me. Or at least the only peaceful course left to me.

Fuck this life. No matter how hard I try or how “good” I am, it’s never enough. I’m never enough.