Processing. Or Not.

I’m still trying to process the past week.

I found myself in a situation I had specifically set my life up to avoid. How is it that I can do all the right things and still fail every test miserably? True, what’s good in my life is stellar, but, expletive, what about absolutely everything else? And even those things that shine are becoming dull with the stress that I have place upon them. Perfect house I designed every detail of and decorated? Now I’m not working but am throwing wads of cash at our dysfunctional medical system and we’re struggling to afford our home and attached ranch. World’s best life partner? Now he’s more exhausted than ever by trying to manage not only his normal work load but also my household work load, find ways to make more money so we can stay afloat, oh, and deal with the stress of a very sick spouse. A house full of loving and happy pets? I’m no longer a vet tech who can cover their every medical expense “at cost” of medication and no cost for professional consultation.

I do everything my doctors say and I still am falling apart from multiple regions. I am hyper-alert to my mental/emotional health and that combined with honesty got me tossed in a loony bin for a week where I only escalated in maddness.

This week should have given me a lot to say. Perhaps I’m still processing it all. Or perhaps the chaos and confusion (and irritation, damn damn damnation, and disagreement) were so much that I never even had the ability to form thoughts that would need processed.

I do feel so lost now. If always doing the right thing is consistently wrong, is it time to try doing nothing? At least then I wouldn’t be throwing our limited resources out in vain.