I’ve had difficulty gathering my thoughts lately. Partially that’s because my brain is struggling and partially because I’ve been too exhausted to think.
Today I had therapy, which of course forced me to articulate the past week. I received several lab results this week and the overall theme is dreary. When I told my Primary that I can FEEL myself dying as my body shuts down, I also told her that I was aware how melodramatic that sounds. She said it’s not melodramatic because it’s true.
So my therapist and I discussed the specifics and the concerns I have with them. My primary concern is my husband’s well-being if I die soon because the love and devotion he has for me is all encompassing that I worry about his grief when I’ve passed on. My secondary concern is that we have more animals than one person can feasibly handle. She kept coming back to these two points. I guess when confronted with premature death most people worry about themselves. What’s the point of worrying about myself?
I don’t want to die because I love my husband and our animals. I don’t want to die because I’ve taken on responsibilities towards them that I feel like I need to see through.
I’d be relieved to die because my pain would theoretically be over. I’d be content to die and reunite with those who have gone before us – Sallah, Aengus, Minerva, Kit, Marcus, Fred, Ziva, and more.
The fact is that my body is failing early and rapidly. Test results only confirm what I already know and give a name to things. My life has been trauma after trauma overlapping with trauma – the fact that I have multiple poisons and diseases destroying me would be a shattering and life altering trauma to some but is just another trauma to accept and move on with for me.
I’m dying. Okay. How do we best handle today?
thebadgerspath.com 