One of my fundamental beliefs is that when you’re unhappy with a situation you either change it, leave it, or learn to accept it. For the most part I’ve done that quite well throughout life. But for some reason I still have a hole inside me where a nurturing mother should be. I have a mom, a step-mom, and my husband’s mom – but all of them are sources of frustration to me.
I accept that I was never nurtured. I accept that the hope of a parental figure I can love and depend on doesn’t exist. But the hole remains. I yearn to be nurtured. What about me is so unlovable that every adult I was given to didn’t want me? What about me is so unlovable that my mere presence is a burden?
I understand that “your real family is the family you choose” and that I’ve got some great people in my life. But I think there’s just an inherent desire to be accepted by the people you were assigned to.
I’ve decided to go no-contact with my mom. I’ll probably do it with most if not all of my immediate family, but I’ve only interacted with my mom since this decision. The fact is I’m too tired. Emotionally, mentally, and physically I’m too tired to force myself to interact with people who make me feel bad about myself. What little strength I have should go to individuals who deserve it.
My mom is the victim of everyone she encounters. She’s a gossip and changes what she says to fit what she thinks the person currently listening wants to hear. She has absolutely no personal life and just hangs on to others who are too polite to send her away. And I’ve never met a more entitled individual. Now, considering that her first two children aren’t on speaking terms with her you’d think she’d be careful to not mess things up with her remaining child. But instead she took me for granted too many times.
I’ve now explained that the more I learn what a healthy relationship is the less willing I am to participate in unhealthy relationships. I told her that since you can’t have a healthy relationship with others until you have a healthy relationship with yourself, she and I can try again after she has actually worked on herself. Being happy isn’t about finding people to blame for your life, it’s about taking your life into your own hands and working hard to make it what you want.
I don’t know if or how my life would be different if I had been nurtured. Or if I had known any feeling of love before 23 years old. But it doesn’t matter because it can’t be changed. And now I love my husband with all my heart and soul. I love and nurture our pets with everything I am. I nurture the orphans who temporarily come into our home. And I go on.
thebadgerspath.com 