Today I broke my own heart a little

Today I broke my own heart a little.

But let me go back some.
I’m dealing with some terrible health issues and have all but become disabled.

I was taught that my value is only in what I can provide others, either in service to them or to boost them up through association with me. I’ve had to quit my job, drop out of school, and stop most of my volunteer work due to my health. My sense of self-worth has plummeted. I’ve had suicidal ideation since puberty so this situation is of course making that more difficult. The last few months I’ve been working on finding worth in my very existence rather than in the things I do. Thankfully I have an amazing husband and a plethora of pets who are happy just to have me around, even if I’m just sitting.

Yesterday was a long day for me with four separate medical appointments. I’m too sick to work and bring in income, and I’m so sick that my medical bills are sky high. At the end of the day I was going over everything with my husband, including plans going forward for tackling what we think is going on medically. We don’t keep any secrets from each other so I had to confess that I’ve been weighing whether I’m more of a financial asset or liability. Sometimes my father gives us a monetary gift at the end of the year, and if I outlive him we’ll likely have a healthy inheritance one day. But currently, and possibly forever, I can’t work and I cost us so very very much money. I’ve been weighing whether or not I should commit suicide by which is better for my husband and our farm; am I more of an asset or a liability. To me this was very pragmatic.

Today I thought about this again and realized that if I knew someone had those thoughts it would break my heart for them. To be taught their worth is only in what they provide others, and to decide whether they should live or die by a financial equation of sorts!? And a little bit, my heart broke for myself.